What is a recurring conflict?

Sometimes, we must stop and recognize that we are having the same fight over and over, treating it like it's something we've seen for the first time!   When really, it’s just dressed up in different clothes.

Ask yourself, “Why am blind over something that looks familiar?”

Let’s start with an example. I have two parents.  They have different parenting styles.  One parent is democratic, the other, autocratic.  When they have a disagreement and get into what's right, and what's wrong, neither parent will win and the couple fights forever.  When I ask the couple, “What do you want out of your child?”  They find that they factually agree.  “We want our child to be successful, we want them to be well adjusted. We want them to hit milestones, and we want them to do what they want to be independent, get out of our house and give us some grandkids!”

Factually, they want the same thing. So, then I'll peel back a layer and ask, “Tell me why? What's the why for your parenting style.”  The democratic parent, “I want them to be free thinkers.  I want them to always question things and come to a conclusions for themselves and get in touch with their voice.”  The autocratic parent will say, “Well, I grew up in the military. One of the things I learned was if you don't have discipline for your kids, there will be trouble. As a parent, part of my responsibility, especially with two boys, is to give them that discipline.”

This is factually the same thing! Their approach is different. That is a recurring battle! When approaches conflict these two spouses will go at it over and over and a problem doesn’t feel like it is being solved!

To resolve recurring battles in a relationship it is important to get to the WHY!  So, I say to the democratic parent, “Why is that so important to you? That your children be so democratic?”  The parent explains they grew up in Boston and their father was a university president who always asked what they thought and got their input.  The impact on this parent was that they were able to think their way through situations to come to a decision which led to this parent feeling very independent!

I’ll ask the same to the autocratic parent.  “Why is it so important to you that your children be autocratic?”  This parent says growing up in the military in the south meant if I don’t “manage” my kids SOMEONE ELSE is going to manage my kids, and they may do it harshly!  The impact on this parent was a feeling that the kids needed to be well mannered or they would not be able to make it out in the world.   

When we go back to the main purpose underlying the conflict, it really is to raise successful kids.  This is important!  Once we get to that agreement, something special happens.  The couple finds the ability to acknowledge the other person’s point of view.  One says “I like that disciplinarian thing. I don't always agree with it, but I definitely see where it's coming from.”  The other says, “You know, discipline is important, but I also really do think our kids need to be independent and think for themselves.”  They realize that their parenting styles complement each other!  Now instead of attacking each other, they attack the problem!

So, What is the difference between a recurring battle or one off disagreement?

Let’s say a parent gives the child their phone back after one parent just took it away.  If we see it as a one off, the parent who gave the phone back might think the punishment didn’t fit the crime.  If we see this as a recurring pattern one parent might think they are always being undermined when giving a punishment.

In the recurring pattern one parent feels humiliated over an over.  "You are disagreeing with me in front of our kids!"  The battle is not about the phone being taken away.  Maybe they had a good reason for giving the phone back.  In today’s society, communicating and knowing where the kids are at is expected.  The fight is about that feeling of humiliation that arises in times where there is a disagreement in how the children should be punished.

So, I want you to recognize if in times of conflict where you are talking about a one off, and the other person is talking about it, as a pattern you are not communicating!  You might think you are communicating, but you aren’t. 

What are the common causes of recurring conflicts.

1. Spouses don’t have a meeting of the mind, they are never going to get to an agreement on what reality is.
2. Assumptions: each person has a myth of one truth
3. Spouses never get corrective information- spouses don’t ask about the other person’s WHY
4. No deal gets cut – to cut a deal you have to be willing to give up something important to you

Instead of being adversaries, you can advocate and do what's best for your kids. So, you have to be able to agree on what reality is to have that conversation. To do that you have to have an assumption that there's at least two truths. I say that because for every person, there's a different truth.  Assume that they have a truth that's valid too. The other person doesn’t secretly want the kids to be undisciplined or not be free thinkers. Check yourself because you're probably not communicating and definitely value being right over being affected. Once you agree on reality, and hear each other out, you can cut a deal and resolve the conflict. Instead of fighting, you can hear each other.

Let’s talk about three very important things when it comes to having the skills to resolve recurring battles:

1. Divorce rates drop 30% with an intervention.
2. Failed repair attempts are a 99% predictor of marital success. Lack of acknowledgement of the other side when making a repair attempt leads to big problems.
3. 63% of couples say communication is the problem when really its TRUST. Trusting the other person leads to better communication

You may be asking yourself so How can me and my partner/spouse resolve recurring problems that occur in our marriage? Think about this formula as you have a fight or if you've had a recent fight. 

1. Ask yourself, What is the problem?
2. Is it a one off or is it recurring?
3. What is my partner’s WHY?
4. Acknowledge the other person’s truth and cut a deal or agree on a resolution

You can do it!